Are you an I.T. engineer? Or a tech/computer wizard of some sort? Or, heck, even have a very basic grasp of the existence of computer hardware? Well, settle down; everybody gather round and prepare for a tale that will chill you to your very soul.
My render PC has been a bit iffy recently, not least because it’s been on 24/7 for so long, blazing away. And as long-time readers of the blog will know, it’s always been a bit … ‘funny’. Like, random shut downs, no network, beeping, stuff like that. I throttled it to 95% CPU (which took bloody hours to figure out how to do) and that kept it happy for a few months, but a few weeks back (immediately after blogging about Folding), I hooked up to it and it showed me nothing but misery and regret.
So, being the non-qualified hands-on risky-proactive jobbing MF hobbyist that I am, I decided to give it a good clean out. And this, dear readers, is where things get scary. Did I even bother to follow Youtube videos? I did not. So hold onto your hats.
Ram, as you know, is short for ‘Rambunctious’, and is a measure of how Rambunctious a computer is, so I took all of that out, which took a while because mine is a mighty Rambunctious computer and it hurts to press the flicky levery things. Then I took a swig of wine, unplugged all the little plugs, pulled out what I think is the ‘hard drive’, or could equally have been the ‘thought nugget’, who knows. That came out.
Another swig of wine.
*Computer repair specialists start squinting*
Then I used a screwdriver (I don’t want to get too advanced here, but it’s a type of tool; let me know if I’m going too fast) and I undid those big heatsinky things, there’s a few of them because I think there’s a few CPUs, and as anyone who’s watched Terminator will know, CPUs mean Skynet, and Skynet means control.
Another swig of wine.
Rambunctious scattered everywhere, motherboard out of control, just time for unclipping some CPU clips, ONE BIG SNEEZE, and then hey presto! The CPU comes out. Then the other one.
*Fifteen code devs break out in a sweat*
Ooh, they are pretty! Great big handful of cores, they were. Lovely. Time for a celebratory sip.
Never removed CPUs before – turns out it’s very easy, you just unclip, lift up, and there’s all these little feet on them. And yes, I did give them a sniff. Didn’t learn much; I don’t know what I was expecting the CPU undersides to smell of, but for some reason all I got was dark, subtly mature fruits and balanced tannins.
*Five PC repairers start whispering “No, no, no …”
Now this, and this is where things begin to get scary so get ready, this is where I took one last big gulp of wine (Bordeaux, as you asked), and gave the little gossamer CPU feeties a good ol’ blow. Nothing like a good blow to sort computer kit out, I find. Was I wired for static? I was not. Unless you count my synthetic-fibre slippers. But I WAS being very careful not to pass on any excess electrons. Honestly, I never saw any stray electrons the entire time so I think we’re good so far.
Then I stroked the patchy bit where the CPU goes. Also good. Using the natural oils and acids on my fingers to perfectly restore those bits. Hashtag Lifehack.
Another glass needed to be poured by this stage, I mean there’s a pandemic on, and we don’t want nervy shakes ruining delicate CPUs, do we? No sir. So, with a fistful of cores in one slightly clammy hand and a bottle in the other, I was confident I was well stocked and ready to crack on. Put the bottle down. PUT the BOTTLE … dowwwwn. Am a functioning adult. A little drip of wine plopped onto the stack of Rambunctious, but if anything that’ll make them MORE Rambunctious, right? I gave the CPU fibre things another good blow, using my aerosoled Bordeaux as nature’s solvent.
*Vast numbers of computer engineers facepalm, one network tech stops masturbating entirely*
Another sip. Plonk the great big CPUs back in place, oop, other way round hahaha. Then realise it should have that weird grey paste stuff, right? WRONG! Tss, thermal paste is for losers, as we all know it’s just snake oil sold by people to try and squeeze profit out of thin air. I just wet my finger, smooshed round the existing scraps of paste, and wanged the heatsinks back on. THIS IS EASY! Then boot ‘er up, worked a treat, no problems.
End of story, I know what I’m doing, no problems, this is easy, what’s all the fuss about. I’ve even got the same number of electrons about my surface that I started with, so we’re even-stevens.
OK, ok fine it didn’t work quite perfectly.
The computer was happy for one day before it started complaining. And by complaining I mean it died.
But wait! The story’s not over. I’m not a total idiot*.
Another sip of wine.
Went on ebay and bought some of that paste stuff for a quid. I also bought a bike helmet and a storage thing for the fridge, but that’s beside the point.
When the paste turned up, I redid the whole thing, sans spittle, and EVEN WITHOUT WINE! I know, proper grown-ups make big decisions like this, it’s hard sometimes but it does happen. Not all heroes wear capes … I mean, I do, but that’s more a stylistic choice than a cry for help.
And now, dear reader, it’s working like a charm. 24 virtual cores humming away at 100% even as we speak.
And the moral of the story is … try new things even if you’re totally, completely crap at them. And Bordeaux is yummy.
The end.
*debatable
