One of my all-time favourite Americans (who’s still alive), Richard Rohr said “In order to transcend what we are, our old self has to be destroyed”*. And the problem with any destruction, of the ego, of the old ways, is that it’s a bit of a painful process! We know this on a personal level, sure. Sure.
I know the importance of personal growth, counseling etc, but I simply don’t want to do it! It hurts, to change. And for me, one of the big ideas being challenged, was my burnt-in root-deep understandings of good and bad. That I tried to be good all the time but it often just didn’t work, and so maybe I was bad. Maybe I was trash. And that idea rotted within me, as the culmination of years of being different, of being neurospicy, of being a hunter in a world that seemed to be populated by farmers. I saw thick people, everywhere. And in my 20s, that judgement of myself and everyone else, was rotting something cynical inside me and dragging me further and further into the idea that I needed ‘to go’. This is what Steph’s struggle in One Human, Being comics 6-8 are all about – my struggle with my own personal sense of value, my own journey’s very close encounter with suicide. And honestly I found creating those comics extremely helpful. (Plus boobies)
Part of my problem was:- it was my belief that I was trash that was the idea I had to transcend, but that meant breaking it was a double vulnerability; taking someone down from their already lowest ebb requires some care. I’ll quote it again – in order to transcend what we are, our old self has to be destroyed. If you believe that what you are is trash, then the process of setting fire to that trash identity is extremely scary, and can be risky.
What I discovered for myself, was that below what I thought was my identity (achievements+faults=error), was something much deeper, much more rooted. There was a hope and a simplicity that I now believe is there inside every human – and sometimes we have to absolutely break in order to find it. The way down is the way up; I couldn’t agree more with that ancient wisdom. We have to learn the hard way, not to be douchebags.
And those of us who refuse to learn, they’re the ones really in hell. Their crime is being hateful douchebags. It is also their punishment.
Your comics are amazing, but your wisdom is a special light in a dark world.
Boobs of Healing
Thanks SAJ. You really are a legend.
And you challenge me, and I like that.
Wow, how apropos. Having some destruction myself.
I’d been putting off doing a big important thing for quite a while. Like a decade. I was used to the self-guilt-trip, but I was also stuck. I was afraid to start the thing, and that fear kept building and building, resulting in paralysis, depression, and so on. It was also having a domino effect on other parts of my life. My therapist even gave it a name: Executive Function Disorder.
Then, last week, a new fear showed up: What if the thing NEVER gets done? That instantly felt like an existential threat. The thing was FAR too important for it to never be done! It was no longer about “delaying”. I may have freaked out a bit. As in panic. It was a way bigger fear than the fear of doing the thing.
For the first time in my memory, I chose the greater fear. So I’ve started doing the thing. It sucks. But it won’t suck forever. Looks like 2-3 months, tops. And I’ve asked several folks to keep me accountable. No turning back.
In this case, the new Fear was not the Mind Killer. It was the destroyer of lesser fears, and the proverbial boot up my ass.
Fortunately, the destruction was small, but it’s been very creative destruction!